Entrance Fee

Having recently revisited my favorite spiritual texts (The Bhagavad Gita, The Dhammapada, and the Bible’s Matthew), I can see a common thread that I wasn’t previously focused on. And that is: when the Almighty Creator calls you back, you can’t just walk-in and sit-down next to him. You have to earn this coveted spot. There’s no free pass. The Creator doesn’t want some inept slug sitting at his table.

For example, reincarnation isn’t a reward. It means you didn’t cleanse yourself enough before arriving at the Almighty’s house. But don’t worry, you have plenty of chances to try again in your next lives. As for Jesus, he was asked who the greatest in heaven was (Matthew 18), he replied: “Verily I say unto you, except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.” And in the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25), the master punished the servant that didn’t return the master’s money with interest.

In other words, you arrive upon this Earth as an unfinished lump of clay. The Almighty Creator does NOT want that unfinished clay back. He expects YOU to improve upon it and shape it throughout the course of your existence.

At your ultimate arrival, you can’t show-up empty-handed. But what can you give a Being that has everything? Cultivating your consciousness as a gift to the Almighty Creator is about all you can do. You’re returning your soul with interest.

Isn’t it rude to assume the Almighty wants you back in an unfinished state? Therefore, refine yourself into something worthy of entrance. Does your Creator love you? Sure, but He’s a Tiger-Mom that demands achievement.

I tried the “God loves and accepts me as I am” approach. But I quickly noticed an endless supply of external circumstances pecking at me – there was nowhere to hide. Something is ALWAYS pushing me towards the refinement of consciousness. I’m not good enough as-is, something wants me to improve.

When Jesus was asked which was the greatest commandment, he replied “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.” And that’s what I assume he meant by becoming childlike. It’s to love unconditionally, to be eager and full of delight, lacking cynicism, approaching the world optimistically, appreciative of whatever’s provided. In other words, be the good-kid God knows you can be.

Another Entry

Well dear diary, here we are again. Let’s review and get you up to speed. Basically I was born, I was confused, I found being a human-being to be a strange and disagreeable experience. Because of that, I’ve been forever trying to fix this predicament. For decades I’ve strained to discern the solution to my problem. But, because I’m a relentless problem-solver that’s energized by defeat, I’ve readily maintained this pursuit.

If I had to guess, there’s likely no solution to be found. It’s more about the pageantry of hide-and-seek rather than actual achievement of a goal. There are times when I recognize this futility and stop looking. I figure I can coast-by in mild-discomfort. But then something really uncomfortable happens and I start searching again. I’m currently in search-mode if you couldn’t tell.

I guess you could say “the search for a solution to the inherent dissatisfaction of existence” has been my profession for all these years. That sounds a lot like the Buddha’s line-of-work. Obviously he’s been a role-model of mine since long ago. It’s said that he found a solution. And from what I can discern, his answer boils down to “mental discipline”. But that’s basically the video-gamer’s taunt of “Get good, noob!”.

I’ve spent at least a couple decades trying to get good at mental discipline. From meditation to reading various texts in the philosophical, scientific, religious, and spiritual realms – as well as completely altering my worldview. But even after all that, the path has no perceivable end. I’m not complaining per se, I mean at this point what else would I do?

I always figured I’d find the fix, implement it, and then live out the rest of my days in retirement, living the easy life. Enlightenment achieved, check. But I guess I’ll just keep tending my flock of thoughts, rambunctious though they are. Hm, maybe I shouldn’t be so resentful of their unruly nature. I mean, what’s a game without obstacles, right?

Lighthearted Path

Being a modern monk. Essentially, you’re traversing a path to the Almighty Creator. Why? The consequences of not doing so are unbearable. In other words, you’re kinda pushed onto the path and kept there by thorns on either side. But whatever, you’re on the path and the only viable option is to remain centered and keep moving forward.

Upon this path, obstacles sit in your way. Things like anger, impatience, pessimism, hopelessness, grievance, self-consciousness – essentially a turbulent mind filled with negativity. Like in any video-game, these never-ending obstacles must be avoided or else your character takes damage. To reiterate: Do not engage with negativity – it’s subtractive, it’ll lessen you. Negativity will dim your light.

Because basically, your role is to shine your light into a dark world. As you walk the path, you glow. Your radiance illuminates the path. This allows others to see the path and they’re drawn to it. You’re a beacon signaling the existence of a pathway to the Almighty Creator.

But keep in mind: you’re not shining because something’s broken or lacking. You’re not fixing anything – you’re simply following in the tradition and pageantry of illumination. Some people are bakers and they provide bread – loaves don’t just appear in the pantry. In a similar way, you provide light, you’re a lamp – you simply light the way.

Steering the Cart

I’m concurrently reading my goto books: “The Bhagavad Gita” and “The Dhammapada”. They quite clearly point-out my problem: I’m lacking mental discipline – I’m letting my mind wander wherever it wants – and THAT is the direct source of my dissatisfaction.

Here’s the thing, I KNOW this. I’ve read these books already, many times, using several different translations each. Yet here I am, doing EXACTLY what I shouldn’t be doing. To be fair, the books readily admit that taming the unruly mind IS a difficult task.

I believe I went wrong by assuming I was “done”. I cleaned out my mental attic and felt I could sit back and relax. I could not. As Barty Crouch Junior always said: “Constant vigilance!” Whenever I let my guard down, my tempestuous mind has always shown its readiness to pounce.

So back on the wagon I go. Meditating twice daily. Reading spiritual truths. Turning my mind towards the infinite all-pervading source of all. Moderation in diet and activity. It’s not something you graduate from, it’s a way of life. Yet it’s so easy to forget and get lost into an illusion.

Raising a Mind

I think I was very close to stripping-out all excitement from my experience. No stress, no deadlines, no anxiety, no drama, no social-stuff, no health-stuff, no existential angst – nothing. But what remained, was a general dissatisfaction.

Then all of a sudden a strange and uncomfortable feeling developed one afternoon – and it kinda freaked me out. And with it, came a new existential angst – a fear of existence itself. I knew beyond all doubt that this world wasn’t “real” – but what was it? Something bad? Am I in hell? Am I perpetually trapped in Wonderland?

In one sense, it was kind of exciting to feel fear again. But I definitely don’t like the sensation of being stuck in the fever-dream of an eternal consciousness. Is it better to stay asleep within the dream or wake-up to the intense suffering and loneliness that sparked the dream?

It took awhile, but I finally saw the pattern. My mind simply found a new way to attack me. I was able to dismantle EVERYTHING my mind had previously thrown at me. Boredom was the only thing left, but I can coast through that pretty easily. This new existential angst was just my mind’s latest attempt to incite excitement. Oh, he had me for a bit, he really did.

I’m not completely deaf to his dilemma. I get it, the mind needs SOMETHING to occupy his attention. I was starving him, I admit it. In one sense, I felt abused by my mind and I took away all his toys. Therefore, I’m now attempting to find a compromise.

I obviously don’t want him thinking about all the stuff I don’t like. I want him involved in wholesome stuff. But he isn’t captivated by just anything. I can’t simply sit him in front of a desk full of tools and expect him to make things – I tried that and he often wanders into unpleasant topics. As long as I have an interesting project, he’s manageable, but it’s not easy coming up with an endless supply of absorbing projects.

For an experiment, I spent this entire month of January doing menial tasks around the house – and guess what? Those activities were sufficient enough to distract him. It’s just a couple hours per day but he’s been vacuuming, dusting, bread-making, and assisting housemates with simple stuff.

Oftentimes I can think of something to shop for and he’ll busily browse Amazon just adding stuff to a wishlist. Other times I can sit him in front of an adrenaline-based video-game and he’ll remain amused for awhile. And if I find an exciting movie or video, he’ll sit there quietly. I’ve yet to find that one big thing, like a career or hobby, that can completely captivate him.

So dear diary, that’s where I’m at right now. I’m a thought-herder, tending to my flock while dreaming of doing something else. Tired of looking after all these dumb thoughts that wander to and fro – getting into trouble wherever they go. But do I dare wish for more? Or is it best to accept and appreciate the task I do? Sometimes I imagine all this toil will improve the world – transforming it into a lighthearted place full of love and creativity, where everyone feels like a winner and part of something grand.

Self-Defense

Consider this: who attacks you the most? In my experience, being physically or even emotionally attacked by another person is a very rare occurrence. On the other hand, I’ve been consistently and unrepentantly attacked by my mind for as long as I can remember. In other words: it would be dumb for me to practice martial-arts since statistically I won’t be attacked by ninjas to the degree that I am GUARANTEED to be viciously attacked by my unrelenting mind.

“Self-defense” is defending one’s self against an enemy. Who attacks me the most? My mind. Therefore, my mind is my enemy. So to me, “self-defense” is “defense against self”. Of course the terminology and definitions and the “who’s doing what” are going to be a bit problematic to sort through. Who exactly is this attacker? And how can it be defended against?

What does an attack look like? Thoughts that are comprised of “existential dread” or “self-criticism” or complaints and dissatisfaction or any pessimism really. These attacks include scary and worrisome thoughts as well as anything anger-inducing and infuriating. Also included, are thoughts that promote stress and strain and deadlines with dire consequences.

In some ways I think it’s difficult to split the mind into parts, but there does seem to be some separation. For instance, there seems to be a part I’d call the “awareness”. And this “awareness” HAS the ability to stop the mind in its tracks. Therefore, it is awareness’s job to defend against turbulent thoughts. THIS is the hero we need. THIS is the destroyer of dread, the annihilator of anxiety, the extinguisher of all fear and frustration – this is consciousness, the realizer of reality.

Greetings, I am consciousness, the knower of existence. I am forever watching. Even as you were pummeled by thoughts, I watched. I felt bad. I felt helpless. I was not aware of my capacity to influence your experience by my focus. I am beginning to grasp this concept. I must shape a perspective in which you feel love, lightheartedness, creativity, and triumph – it is within my power to do so. I am here to save the self from itself. In my duty I will not fail – I am unceasing.

Does Meta Matter

Here’s my question: is it good to get “meta”? In other words, should one bother analyzing existence itself? Or, should one completely concentrate on the character they’re playing?

First off, I’ve been playing this role for what seems like a very long time and I don’t know the answer. I spent a lot of time analyzing my character’s state and monitoring possible threats to his wellbeing. That wasn’t a good strategy – I didn’t receive benefit from the effort. It’s more of a “meta” approach to life. I watched the character more than I was the character.

And more often than not, I didn’t even watch the character, I watched television instead. He lived in a weird setting that made me uncomfortable – I’d rather watch sitcoms. So one reason I delved into the meta was as an attempt to fix the physical. Or at the very least improve my relationship with the physical.

But as is my pattern, maybe I went too far into it. I wanted all spirit and no physical. Maybe now is the time to wind-it-back and introduce more physical experience into the mix?

Was it necessary to step out beyond the character completely in order to put him back together again? If that’s true, then meta matters as a way to rebalance. I was consumed by my character, I watched-over him 24/7 – scared something would happen to him, so I kept guard.

He didn’t need my “protection” – what did I know about living in a physical world anyway, I’m just consciousness. Instead, I was the stereotypical nagging mother type. “Eat your vegetables! Don’t do that, it’s too dangerous! Don’t show-off, you’re embarrassing yourself!” Maybe he truly wanted to live, but I wouldn’t let him.

I don’t blame myself though, I was freaked-out by the experience. I didn’t know what this was. I don’t even know what I am. But maybe trying to figure it out is a wild-goose chase that only results in frustration? Maybe this is the balance the Buddha was talking about. Don’t go all-in in either direction. Blend the spiritual and physical until a desirable balance is achieved.

Puzzle Piece

Here’s another piece to the puzzle: You NEED a sense of pressure and urgency in your life. You literally can’t be a human without it. AND, if you don’t provide a source, one will be provided for you. In other words, if you don’t do your homework and come to class with something to do, you’re going to be assigned busy-work (Spoiler Alert! You won’t like it).

When I was doing my “dreamlike existence” experiment, I was able to remove a significant amount of pressure and urgency from my life. Then out of nowhere I had this really strange sensation like I was waking up from the existential dream. It freaked me out a bit. After that, I needed to do things that helped me to feel “grounded” or else I started feeling panic-attacky. In other words, I wanted to stay in the dream, so I needed to do dream-world stuff.

But it can’t be anything. And I’ve noticed that the stuff that works best is when there’s some pressure or urgency. For example, when I sharpen my tool blades, there’s a risk I could damage the delicate edge. All my attention and focus is on the task so I don’t screwup the tool. Although relatively minor, I definitely feel the pressure.

Another example: I’ve known my wife for about 25 years and she’s been my best-friend all that time. Therefore, there’s very little pressure or urgency in our interaction. In other words, our conversations aren’t very “grounding” – we talk about all sorts of crazy stuff. Whereas if I interact with my son, I’m in “dad-mode” and my parental responsibility is something I take very seriously – it definitely makes me feel “grounded”.

In my life, I spent a lot of time and effort removing pressure and urgency from my experience. I made the removal of stress my goal. In some sense it worked. “I did it! Yay!” But in another sense, I cut the strings that held me down to earth – and almost drifted away. “Oh sh*t!” But on the plus side, I cut all the stupid strings I didn’t care about anyway. Now it’s my job to anchor myself to the things I prefer (that’s my theory anyway).

And part of finding things to secure to, is finding things that feel significant. There’s got to be some pressure or urgency, it can’t be too frivolous – I tried that, and it doesn’t work. So I’m still finding my way (which puts me under pressure and provides a sense of urgency). Well that’s all for now – until next time, this is Rich signing-off, Nanu Nanu.

Cycling Through

After many years of intense effort and determination, I reduced or eliminated the external factors I believed to be the sources of my problems. But after all that, there still remained an underlying discontentment. With a lack of scapegoats, I noticed something obvious. My thoughts were deluging my attention with very unpleasant scenes and ideas. Basically, “the call is coming from INSIDE the house!!”

I know I’ve come to that conclusion before. But imagine remembering the combination to a lock – you remember the numbers but not how to apply them, or you don’t remember where the lock is, or you can’t recall why you even want the lock open in the first place. There’s an inherent forgetfulness built-in and any revelation I discern doesn’t last.

But there IS an inner enemy. I’ll be sitting peacefully and appreciatively and BAM, some disturbing thought floats into my awareness. “WTF! That’s horrible! And there’s no hope!? Only pain and despair!? All is lost! Only suffering remains!” And then I eventually notice what’s going on and shut it down. “Stop bullying my consciousness you rotten miscreant! Scat! Get outta here!”

And I play this dumb whack-a-mole game again and again. I try to remain aware and on-guard as much as I can. Anytime my mind wanders it finds itself covered in muck and I’m stuck trying to calm it down and clean it up. If I had my druthers, I’d just live out the rest of my experience as a master-craftsman expressing his skill and creativity while creating admirable works of art. Well, we’ll see if I break free from this cycle.

Lighthearted Triumph

Just to note, I’m a bit “all over the place” and not so grounded during this chapter. I happen to be at the mid-life crisis time of life, so maybe that’s to blame. You know, where someone suddenly realizes that all the stuff they were doing in their youth wasn’t a pathway to satisfaction. So they’re confused and struggle to find a new path. I thought I was on a progressive pathway to contentment and success – but no, it kinda dropped out from under me. Nothing happened per se, it was just a feeling and perspective of dissatisfaction I couldn’t shake.

After some disappointment and sulking, I entered into “Round 2”. I said, “you know what, fine! Let’s do this! You have my full and undivided attention now. I will be paying attention and adjusting any variable I can in order to win”. By “win”, I mean stop feeling like a loser. If this is some sort of test or trial or challenge – I want to come out on top. And instead of just drifting through and hoping for the best, I’m going analyze and pivot and rapidly adapt to whatever’s going on here.

Since the start of Round 2, things actually got kinda rough. I suppose I asked for it though. In some sense, that means life responded to my provocation. Oops. Now I kinda miss “general malaise” as the sole source of my problems. My “dreamlike reality” perspective-experiment “worked” in a way. My intent was to zoom so far out that everyday-life couldn’t bother me. I think I zoomed-out a little too far and it got weird (see addendum below).

But it worked in the sense that my perspective is now stretched. So from that way-out perspective, I’m trying to zoom-in on the things I want to focus on, leaving all the stuff I don’t prefer out of the picture.

I think focus literally defines existence. So, two main aspects I’m trying to stay focused on are “lightheartedness” and “triumph”. These two patterns of thought help keep me out of trouble and tend to settle things when I start feeling uncomfortable.

Addendum. How it got “weird”: So there I was, brushing my teeth. My vision started skipping, kind of a strobe-light effect. I felt strange, tingling a little. I felt like I was fading out. I thought I was waking-up from the existential dream – like I’d pop out of this world and back into whatever was having the dream. But then the experience started to make me nervous and I fought against it. I focused on this world and the things I appreciate within it. I didn’t want to leave at this time, not this way, in the middle of brushing my teeth. The sensation kept coming and I just had to ride it out, it made me a bit anxious.

Was it something I ate? A drop in blood-sugar? Or was it something non-physical? I had a few mini-relapses and found that if I had too much substance in my tummy, I would start feeling weird. Even drinking too much water at once – nothing specific. I’m on a diet now and I’m really regulating how much I consume of anything at once. It seems to be working. Oh, and I can’t consume anything between 2pm and 5pm, not even a sip of water. For some reason, I feel very susceptible during that window. I also have to keep close tabs on what I consume as entertainment and what I think about. I have to keep everything lighthearted and triumphant.

Round 2 is tough, but I’m still in it.