Cyclical Stupidity

There is no doubt that mischievous moments are periodically introduced into my day – annoying little events that seem specifically engineered to trigger irritation. In addition, I can plainly observe the absurd nature of the society I live within. Therefore, all of this regularly occurring foolishness suggests a dreamlike reality. Otherwise, such a world would’ve collapsed long ago – something external MUST be maintaining it.

So the question becomes: am I personally manifesting these things or are they from an outside source? Am I the dreamer or a hapless victim? A long-held axiom of mine is: if it could be one or the other, it’s probably both. Therefore, I’m likely creating an experience based on my mindset and the world plays along, providing the scenes to make it so. For example, I’ve noticed differences in the types of mischief over the years. Why has it changed? Perhaps it’s because of my maturing mindset.

I only care about these philosophical questions because I’m dissatisfied. If things were great, I’d simply sit back and enjoy the show. But when I sense unpleasantness, I yell “CUT!! Stop the show! This is ridiculous! NO! I’m not doing this! Where’s the director!? Get him out here! Fire the writers! This is the most inane storyline I’ve ever had the displeasure of performing! I’ll be in my dressing room until it’s fixed!”

So then I sit there, alone and brooding. And I start wondering who’s crafting this nonesense. I wonder if I’m actually the writer. What if this is improv!? What if this is a dream I’m having, and I’m the one imagining all the dopey events taking place. I mean, if you analyze the shows I watch for instance, there’s always plenty of chaos and shenanigans going on. Based on my viewing history, you’d think I enjoy when crazy situations popup and everything goes wrong.

So then I walk out of my dressing room and apologize to the cast and crew for my temperamental behavior. Yes, I overreacted to a situation that I likely had a hand in creating. Sorry guys. Things calm down for awhile while I’m a bit more mindful of my attitude. I get comfortable, maybe even appreciative: “Heck, life isn’t so bad! Ha, it’s kinda fun when you get the hang of it.” And then the f**KING mischief begins again!!! “I QUIT!!” But the cycle continues, on and on it goes….

Absurd Mischief

There are two things I regularly observe: the absurdity of human activity (individually and as a society) – and second, the mischievous moments periodically introduced into my day. To me, this means I cannot earnestly participate in the game of life. Have you ever tried taking a game seriously while other participants fooled around and ignored the rules? It’s not fun. And then to have your efforts regularly thwarted by mischief? Why do anything at all?!

BUT, the guy that takes a game too seriously is not correct – he’s actually a killjoy. Imagine playing a game of pretend, like “house” for example: You knock on the door and inform the homeowner of high-interest rates, the possibility of refinancing, the benefits of a 401K retirement plan, as well as the need for adequate life-insurance. Your playmate looks at you in disgust as she quickly closes the door and tells you to quit being a jerk.

I’m often guilty of applying too much formality to life. Wherever I go I want to check what I can and cannot do. “We must consult the rules!!”. But if you’re constantly looking for a rulebook that doesn’t exist, you’re going to have a bad time. In fact, this world is VERY resistant to rules – it’s a Wonderland in which mischievous absurdity leads the way. You can’t apply structure to its formlessness – it’s more dreamlike than anything. The ONLY recourse is to play along.

Imagine being at a dinner in which most of the participants peridodically stand and move to the center of the room. A cacophony begins and people hop around the floor while grabbing at one another. You think: “Why don’t they sit down, be quiet, and simply eat their food!!” But of course they’re just dancing to the music, yet you refuse to appreciate or participate in the frivolity.

In video-games, it’s common to work long hard hours to achieve arbitrary rewards that disappear as soon as the game’s over. So it’s fine to pursue frivolous objectives, that’s the goal of games – but the pursuit must be enjoyable. The point is to have fun while straining to achieve those ephemeral ends. In other words, you CAN work hard within a mischievously absurd environment, you just can’t obsess about the outcome. You can’t cry when the sandcastle crumbles.

In general, enjoyment must be extracted from the process of doing something and NOT from savoring something that’s already completed or attained. In that way, it doesn’t matter if attainment even happens or an accomplishment fades away. You should be too involved in the activity you’re doing now to care anyway. In this way, mischief can’t quite affect you.

In regards to absurdity, you’ll have to embrace it and play along. For example: just do whatever you want. If you want to paint popsicle sticks, do that. Stay calm, don’t worry, and just do whatever relaxing activity comes to mind. The more lighthearted you are, the more lighthearted the mischief and absurdity that surrounds: so keep it playful. Oh and planning doesn’t work as expected in an absurd world – in fact, it just makes it easier to tease you.

Who Knows

I’m not discounting the possibility that I might be a moron, but if that’s not the case then I believe this world willfully obfuscates its true nature. I’ve spent years attempting to ascertain the underlying principles of my existence – I’ve found nothing. Like a mirage in the desert, seemingly solid answers simply dissolve whenever approached. In other words, close examination of this world will not lead to an explanation.

And that makes sense of course, because you can’t explain how a movie was made by merely watching a movie. Who wrote it? Who coordinated the production? How was it recorded? How were the special-effects done? Who composed the music? The same is true of video-games: playing provides little insight into the underlying programming code and overall construction of the product. Therefore, I can surmise that this world is NOT self-contained – something exists beyond its walls.

But whether it’s movies, video-games, or even dreams, it doesn’t seem prudent to spend one’s time attempting to see-through the illusion. Why not sit back and enjoy the show? Right? But to be quite frank, I haven’t been able to appreciate my time here. It seems like a poor implementation, basically a low-quality movie. And what does one do when presented with a flick that lacks entertainment value? Well, you lose your ability to focus on the story and you sit there wondering who made this crap.

You also wonder if there’s something you can do to improve things. Maybe change seats and get a different perspective? Pay closer attention? Perhaps focus on an interesting aspect that you previously ignored? Maybe stop criticizing, and attempt to appreciate the scenes? But that just seems like a lot of homework. Whereas a well-made movie allows you to simply sit there captivated. Why should the burden of enjoyment be put on the audience? And, is such effort even effective?

In fact, I’ve spent lots of time and effort readjusting and trying to get a better handle on the situation. Meditation? Yep. Reading philosophical, religious, self-help, and spiritual books? Yep. Moving to a new location? Yep. Spending time with loved ones? Yep. Finding a hobby? Yep. Cutting out negativity as best I could? Yep. I’d say there’s some improvement, but it’s also FAR from a good movie.

So now what? Well, I know without a doubt that this world is a concoction, a fabricated fiction that purposefully confounds my consciousness. Why? Who cares about “why” if it’s fun. Unfortunately, I often find myself less than amused by the antics of this world. Is this a challenge to overcome? A puzzle set forth by some other incarnation of my self? Am I a beta-tester of some weakly implemented simulation? Is my origin the mystery I must solve to unlock the next level? I don’t know.

Olden Days

“What a horrible time we’re living in! I wish things were more like they used to be! Things were uncomplicated back then! People were polite! They talked to each another! You could afford things! Politicians weren’t corrupt! Truth and justice weren’t just tag-lines in a comic-book!”

As someone that’s been alive for a few decades and has an interest in history, those kinds of statements don’t make much sense. Even a casual review of the historic narrative reveals a distinct repetition of themes and events. Facades change, but the foundational elements remain the same. Therefore, what the above sentiment is truly referring to, is not some point in history, but to some simpler time in the speaker’s life i.e. childhood.

What such people are really trying to say is: things were easier when I was a child because I was taken care of and I only focused on things that mattered to me at the time. And this is true, things ARE easier when you’re taken care of and when you only focus on the things that are important to you. So now what? Can we go back to a simpler time? i.e. a time when we possessed a childlike view of the world?

Jesus once said, “Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” Maybe he’s saying that we should focus on the things that matter to us in this moment, as children do — and in so doing, experience a heavenly time on Earth. Whereas focusing on the “big picture” and global-matters is a means of getting lost in the world, a condition that ultimately leads to dissatisfaction.

But what about being taken care of? Well Jesus also said this: I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body. Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? You of little faith! Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ Your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. Do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.

So when we lament the modern times we’re living in, perhaps our wish shouldn’t be to time-travel to some idyllic point in history that never happened – but to get back to a childlike perspective. And to do that, we must focus on what’s at hand right-now in this moment. Perhaps we should be focusing on who’s around us and whatever activities are immediately available. A childlike perspective is not dour or disparaging, but wondrous and appreciative of whatever’s happening all around.

In summation: in order to enjoy life, we must not strive to resurrect a fictional past, rather we must strive to attain a level of mental discipline that allows us to focus our attention on whatever evokes delight.

Siren Call

I came in thinking that this was a harsh & brutal realm ruled by random chance in which only the strong survived and the lucky thrived. My relative weakness and lucklessness meant I was doomed to experience a brief and miserable life. I was shocked when I made it to young-adulthood. I had nothing planned since I was confident I wasn’t going to get that far.

Long-term plans are meaningless in a world in which accidents happen. I wasn’t going to waste my time working towards a goal only to have my preparations crumble beneath me. I was so certain that the world was a dangerous place filled with predators always watching for me to falter, ready to attack. Well, none of it happened!! I waited and waited with my back against the wall, ever vigilant of my surroundings, and NOTHING!! I simply got older.

I was wrong. I completely misjudged the world. It’s not what I assumed it was. BUT that leaves me with a bigger question that I’m still trying to figure out: what IS going on here?? I have a lingering suspicion that I’m being deceived by this world. Is it trying to lull me into a false sense of security, baiting me into complacency to fulfill some cruel intention? Am I an experiment that gained consciousness, made to live out an empty life in an artificial world? Or, are my suspicions simply wrong again?

I keep suspecting something nefarious — yet I was wrong the first time. So wrong in fact, that I caused myself to have a miserable experience. Perhaps this is why it’s not beneficial to focus on thoughts. Thoughts, it turns out, are a lot more unpleasant than the actual world. Had I not focused on thoughts, I would’ve had a better time. Every unpleasant experience was only made worse by the accompanying thoughts — thoughts that lingered long after the offending event.

In their meandering complexity, thoughts often masquerade as worthwhile plants in the garden of the mind. “Listen to me, and I’ll protect you from the dangers of this world”, they say. But these are seductive sirens’ calls, luring you to crash upon rocks. Masked in beguiling beauty, it can be difficult to figure-out if a sprout’s a weed that should be plucked. The simple test is this: does a thought fill you with hope and happiness or fear and despair? Only nourishing thoughts should be allowed to remain.

In short, “suspicious thoughts about the world” should go on the “things to avoid” list. And stop focusing on your thoughts in the first place!!! Geez. Just do whatever you’re doing WITHOUT the running commentary that has NOTHING to do with what you’re actually doing! Getting lost in thought is the siren’s call, avoid it. THIS is the reason you keep having a bad time, your physical life thus far has NOT been a punishing experience but your THOUGHTS about life have been a source of self-inflicted torture — stop it already. Oh and lighten-up for christ’s sake.

Finding a Foothold

I spent most of my life just trying to get a grasp on what’s happening here. I became conscious in the 80s and was freaked-out by all the high-hair, garish makeup, outlandish clothes, strange music, bizzare gyrations, unpalatable food, tedious routines, random violence, and cheesecake. I didn’t get it, was it cake in the form of a pie? And why cream-cheese!? That stuff belongs on bagels.

I honestly didn’t understand the setting I found myself in. I couldn’t deal with the life I was living. What am I supposed to do here!? I spent a lot of time watching TV, which didn’t really explain anything, in fact it probably made things worse. I would spend the next few decades completely lost, trying to get a foothold on ANYTHING. I was seeking solid truth, but I was in Wonderland.

Looking back, it’s painfully obvious that this is not an objective physical reality that I’m experiencing. This is in fact a highly subjective virtuality that I’m experiencing. I think the closest analogy would be a dream — and I’m the dreamer. And the things I think about and focus-on flow in and out of my experience. There’s a narrative for sure, but I’m the one telling it.

I’m at mid-game now and it’s about time I figured this out. I’ve been so unfocused that I’ve been seeing the most haphazardly slapped together world I could imagine. It’s truly embarrassing the stuff I’ve been giving all my attention to. Okay, no more of that nonsense, it’s on to bigger and better things. Everyday, and all throughout the day I’m now focusing on the stuff I actually WANT to experience.

Real Thought

I’ve been attempting to work with the “thoughts create your reality” philosophy for awhile now. It’s a bit embarrassing how long I’ve been trying to incorporate it into my way-of-thinking. This blog is basically a testament to it, but it hasn’t stuck yet. While I understand that my negativity is souring my experience of existence, those dumb thoughts just keep coming. And every-time I have an A-HA! moment of clarity, it quickly fizzles away.

I recently read The Law of Attraction (2006) book, and it’s essentially telling me the same stuff I discovered over and over during the past few years. But where I think it adds to the perspective, is this: I should be MUCH more proactive in imagining the life I want to experience. I’ve been taking a more reactive approach in which I diffuse negative thoughts instead of focusing on the stuff I want. In a sense, I’m still focused on negativity.

I should stop that and deliberately devise pleasant scenarios in my imagination instead. I should take time in the day to imagine an overall picture of the life I want to live AND I should consider what I want from each part of the day as I’m entering it. In the book, these activities are called the “Creative Workshop” and “Segment Intending”. I’m not supposed to simply react to whatever life throws at me, I’m supposed to intentionally create the experience I want.

I’ve been taking a VERY passive approach and it shows. It turns out that I AM supposed to be applying quite a bit of effort i.e. “hard work”. But instead of external action, I should be crafting internally, imagining scenes that evoke the best-feeling emotions I can muster — I should be doing this throughout the day. And if I’m not doing that, then THERE’S the source of my problems. Essentially, I’ve been expecting life to paint a pretty picture for me, but it doesn’t work that way apparently. I must paint the picture and life renders it.

Life renders whatever picture you’re crafting in your mind, but if you don’t intentionally set it, you’ll end up experiencing the sum of a mishmash of haphazard thoughts. Therefore, life will seem chaotic at times and stagnant at others. It’s a little bit of everything all mixed together, resulting in an unsatisfying flavor. That’s a bingo for me and why I’m trying to improve my experience.

Satisfying recipes have a few carefully selected ingredients specifically blended together in pleasing proportions, you don’t just throw whatever together. Same with music, it’s a few notes selected for their harmonic blend, you don’t just play every note in an indiscriminate arrangement. In life, it seems that thoughts are the basic building-blocks we have to work with and it’s in our best interest to deliberately arrange them in a manner we find most pleasing.

Hard Work

I’ve never had ANY inclination towards a professional career. Ever since I was a kid, people would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up and I never had an answer, all I could say was “I don’t know”. It always made me uncomfortable that I didn’t have an answer. And a few decades later, guess what? I STILL don’t know what I should be doing with my time and efforts. I often wonder if I’ll stumble into some sort of career at some point.

I’ve primarily engaged in hobby-level activities. For example: tinkering with computers, writing essays (blogging), making digital art, watching YouTube, playing the tin-whistle & recorder, whittling wood, shooting Nerf & air-soft guns, flying toy drones, playing video-games. I did attempt to become a professional computer-guy & programmer for a few years and I was finally excited to answer the question “so, what do you do for a living?”. But that career was short-lived.

I often hear people praising the virtues of “hard work” and “working hard” and I kinda shrink up, feeling a bit embarrassed. They say things like “earning your keep” and “paving your own way” and a bunch of other stuff in honor of the Protestant Work Ethic. In one sense, I don’t have a desire to “work hard”, but in another sense I feel guilty about not grinding away at some laborious task. I do like hangin-out and passing time in frivolous ways — it just seems like I shouldn’t.

But why not!? Now that I’m starting to understand that life isn’t serious-business, that I’m not engaged in a constant struggle for survival amidst a harsh and brutal landscape, I’m starting to lose this self-imposed constraint. Of course I should be having fun, that’s the POINT!! If life’s a simulation, which I believe it is, the purpose of any game is to enjoy oneself — so if you’re not having fun, you’re doing it wrong.

I’ve been plagued by these contradictory beliefs my whole life: on one hand, I lack the aspiration to participate in a professional career — on the other hand, I seem to believe that professionalism is a necessary component of self-worth and success i.e. if you’re not a “chef” or “engineer” or whatever, what are you? You can’t simply be “Rich”!? Well one of these contradictory beliefs has to give, and guess which one it’s gonna be?

Relatedly, I’m approaching a test, a deadline. So the question becomes: will I be able to maintain my frivolousness and prove myself worthy of a carefree lifestyle? As the deadline nears, all my external effort is invested in frivolity, tasks that lack utilitarian value. Whereas internally, I’m focusing my thoughts on the enjoyment of existence. There’s no going back now, nor would I want to. Onward! To the lighthearted life!

Imagination Station

Imagine a world in which everything is awesome — then pretty soon, everything becomes as awesome as you imagined. That’s the basis of the book The Law of Attraction (2006) by Esther and Jerry Hicks. I spent some time watching related videos and then read the book. I’ve been delving into the premise of thought being the ultimate controller of our experience on Earth.

Plenty of sources claim this to be the case, I just never believed them. So either these people are crackpots and liars or I’m an idiot for not grasping the fundamental nature of reality. Being that I’m as old as I am and I’ve been able to accomplish so little, I’m starting to believe that I must be a moron. I clearly don’t understand how the world works nor how to get things done. Therefore, I’m trying a new-to-me approach i.e. The Law of Attraction.

In a nutshell, this is my new belief-system: what’s happening right now, is a culmination of the thoughts I’ve been focusing-on and my prevalent attitude. If bad things are happening, it means I’ve been entertaining bad thoughts and maintaining a bad attitude. If it makes me feel bad, I shouldn’t focus on the scene I’m experiencing, because doing so will only create more of the same. I should find something enjoyable and focus on THAT. With a positive focus, I’ll generate new scenes filled with delight, replacing the dour ones.

Because of my belief in Simulation Theory, this perspective makes perfect sense to me. Since there’s no keyboard or game-controller, the controls for this game are our thoughts. We think, then those scenes we imagine render before us. A pretty simple and straightforward concept actually. Things get complicated when we think two opposing thoughts obviously — which unfortunately happens a lot.

Looking back through this blog, I can see that I’ve had these types of ideas before — but I haven’t been able to completely adopt them and fully let go of my previous belief-system. So this particular book and system-of-thought are just more tools and reminders to help me along my way of ultimately ridding myself of a tendency towards negativity.

Manifestation Station

Manifestation is the process of bringing specific circumstances into being. It’s like setting a goal and seeing it fulfilled without obvious external effort on your part. For example: you want something, you internally prepare yourself to accept it, the stars align, and voila there it is. In a sense, it’s magic. Whereas in a more conventional approach, you would’ve performed some sort of external effort to physically move yourself closer to the goal.

Because I believe in Simulation Theory and a dreamlike experience of existence, the concept of manifestation is a no-brainer. Of course you can summon whatever you want out of thin-air, it’s all pixels anyway. You simply reference a pre-existing object and update its xyz coordinates OR create a new object and place it into memory — no big deal. When I believed in a concrete chance-based reality, the idea of manifestation didn’t make any sense to me.

And now that I’m more tuned to the process, I’m seeing it everywhere. For example, I thought I lost a bunch of stuff from the last time we moved, I couldn’t find it anywhere — I recently found that stuff in a box two-feet from where I’m sitting. Or another example, I went out but forgot to put “AAA batteries” on the shopping list — a truck literally turned in front of me with the words “AAA Batteries” on its side (referring to the car service and car batteries). Another example: my wife lost her wallet and searched everywhere to no avail — I suggested a location and there it was. Coincidence!??

If life is a dream, then it only makes sense that everything I experience is based on my attitude and focus. When I was a wholly negative person, of course I manifested the worst stuff possible. And now that I’m actively attempting to cut negativity out of my life, of course I’m seeing helpful things happen. In that sense, manifestation isn’t simply a wish-granted, it’s what’s happening in every moment. It’s the narrative unfolding in front of me according to the theme I maintain in my mind. Therefore, I best maintain the merriest thoughts I can muster.