Feeling Great

Imagine how you’d feel while experiencing the best version of whatever you’re currently doing.

So during morning meditation, I would imagine the feelings I’d feel during the best instance of meditation. A lightness of body, an easiness to everything, a tranquility, the sensation of appreciation, and the feeling of understanding.

Another example: during the morning shower, I would imagine the feelings of anticipatory preparation – like getting ready for an event that I really want to participate in. I’d feel the renewal that results from ritualistic cleansing. And as I donned my apparel, I’d feel like it was the right tool for the task of navigating the day. I’d feel ready. Confident.

In the handful of times I’ve tried this out, it seemed to work very well. I’m not actually experiencing the best, nor trying to convince myself that I am. I’m simply imagining the feelings I’d associate with the best possible experience. I’m not picturing any scenes or designing scenarios, I’m only imagining the feelings themselves.

So instead of my mind being filled with its usual litany of complaints and discomforts, it’s filled with pleasant sensations. Perhaps with practice, my mind will no longer use engagement and activity as an opportunity to seek discomfort and complaint. Perhaps this will train my mind to feel like I believe it should during each of the activities it engages in. Well, the experiment begins…

Lighthearted Triumph

Just to note, I’m a bit “all over the place” and not so grounded during this chapter. I happen to be at the mid-life crisis time of life, so maybe that’s to blame. You know, where someone suddenly realizes that all the stuff they were doing in their youth wasn’t a pathway to satisfaction. So they’re confused and struggle to find a new path. I thought I was on a progressive pathway to contentment and success – but no, it kinda dropped out from under me. Nothing happened per se, it was just a feeling and perspective of dissatisfaction I couldn’t shake.

After some disappointment and sulking, I entered into “Round 2”. I said, “you know what, fine! Let’s do this! You have my full and undivided attention now. I will be paying attention and adjusting any variable I can in order to win”. By “win”, I mean stop feeling like a loser. If this is some sort of test or trial or challenge – I want to come out on top. And instead of just drifting through and hoping for the best, I’m going analyze and pivot and rapidly adapt to whatever’s going on here.

Since the start of Round 2, things actually got kinda rough. I suppose I asked for it though. In some sense, that means life responded to my provocation. Oops. Now I kinda miss “general malaise” as the sole source of my problems. My “dreamlike reality” perspective-experiment “worked” in a way. My intent was to zoom so far out that everyday-life couldn’t bother me. I think I zoomed-out a little too far and it got weird (see addendum below).

But it worked in the sense that my perspective is now stretched. So from that way-out perspective, I’m trying to zoom-in on the things I want to focus on, leaving all the stuff I don’t prefer out of the picture.

I think focus literally defines existence. So, two main aspects I’m trying to stay focused on are “lightheartedness” and “triumph”. These two patterns of thought help keep me out of trouble and tend to settle things when I start feeling uncomfortable.

Addendum. How it got “weird”: So there I was, brushing my teeth. My vision started skipping, kind of a strobe-light effect. I felt strange, tingling a little. I felt like I was fading out. I thought I was waking-up from the existential dream – like I’d pop out of this world and back into whatever was having the dream. But then the experience started to make me nervous and I fought against it. I focused on this world and the things I appreciate within it. I didn’t want to leave at this time, not this way, in the middle of brushing my teeth. The sensation kept coming and I just had to ride it out, it made me a bit anxious.

Was it something I ate? A drop in blood-sugar? Or was it something non-physical? I had a few mini-relapses and found that if I had too much substance in my tummy, I would start feeling weird. Even drinking too much water at once – nothing specific. I’m on a diet now and I’m really regulating how much I consume of anything at once. It seems to be working. Oh, and I can’t consume anything between 2pm and 5pm, not even a sip of water. For some reason, I feel very susceptible during that window. I also have to keep close tabs on what I consume as entertainment and what I think about. I have to keep everything lighthearted and triumphant.

Round 2 is tough, but I’m still in it.

Stop Snowballing

Noticing a thought. Considering that thought. Extrapolating from the thought. Adding to the thought. Rolling the thought around with all its extrapolations and additions until you’re covered in an anxious mess that you can’t escape from.

I’m literally anxious from just thinking about the process. A minute ago I was fine – but snowballing is such a wicked form of self-torment.

Notice a thought. Shut it down. Notice the thought again. Shut it down, again. Notice a thought. Shut – it – down. If you don’t roll it around, it can’t collect more snow. Keep it small and manageable. Once it gets larger, it can’t easily be undone.

Stand up and do something physical, something distracting, do something differently than usual, find a show or video to watch, have a project ready to jump into, say hello to someone, tidy something, find a fun activity. Stop the snowball from forming.

I suppose you have to become your own cruise-director. Don’t leave your daily activities and entertainment up to “whatever”. If you don’t design something interesting for you to do, you’ll just end up scaring yourself with dumb thoughts all the time. A bored mind will relieve itself one way or another – it’s better to provide it with pleasant options.

Dominant Component

It’s kinda weird to look at life from a “feelings” perspective and see their complete and utter dominance. Feelings are the primary component of experience, and therefore existence as a whole. Life is an emotional event – that’s it. In other words: it’s not what we do that matters, it’s what we feel about what we do that matters.

I watch a movie not because it has an awesomely original plot that absolutely blows my mind, I watch it because it inspires me to feel something. Movies are typically a bunch of emotion-inducing cliches strung together. “Oh no, the main-character is suffering! Oh good, he’s doing something about it! Oh no, he’s challenged once again! Oh good, he’s overcome that challenge! Yay!”

If I simply documented the physical activities I perform in a day, life would seem extremely dull and kinda dumb. “Stand, walk, expel vocal emissions, chew & swallow, sit, think, move hands around – and repeat those actions throughout the day until finally lying down.

But if I documented the emotional rollercoaster I experience everyday, that’s where the excitement’s been hiding! “Oh no, time to get up, I’m worried! Oh phew, made it through another morning. Oh no, I have the entire rest of the day left! What’s that!? Something unexpected!? WHY ME!!?? Oh, I got through it. I’m worried though!? What if something ELSE happens!? Oh, the day’s over, THANK GOODNESS!! Oh no, time for sleep!? I can’t sleep!!!”

Silly me, I had been trying to rein in my thoughts this whole time. But thoughts are just the tiny perceptible tip of a giant underwater emotional iceberg. It’s “feelings” I should be concentrating on. But on the bright side, emotions are relatively easy to manipulate – as popular media readily demonstrates. I could argue with my thoughts all day long and remain right where I started by the end of it. But daydream about playing with a rumpy-bumpy frolicking puppy? “Aww! Too cute! Okay I feel better!”

Feelings Alert

“Oh bother, I’m feeling upset. I feel unworthy, unloved, unappreciated. It feels like I’m missing out on so many things. I feel as if nothing goes right in my life. It feels like everything is horrible.”

“Oh no! He’s upset! Sound the alarm! We better figure out what’s causing this issue so it can be fixed!”

“First, let’s do an overall scan of his current life-situation, maybe there’s a lack of fulfillment there – a hole that needs filling. Let’s also scan his childhood for early signs and symptoms that might trace back to his current problem. Also, scan his thoughts, what’s he been thinking about lately!? All hands on deck!! This is NOT a drill!!”

Or, I could choose not to have those feelings and bypass the rigmarole.

“I notice I’m feeling bad. Hm. Perhaps I’ll daydream about a scene that I’d enjoy. There I am, feeling triumphant! I’m a winner, praised by those that appreciate me – I feel their love. I did it, I AM worthy, I feel worthy. This worked out great, everything’s great, I feel great!”

My earlier complaints are gone. I feel better. Who cares what my current situation is. Who cares what my childhood was like. Who cares what I was thinking about. I choose to feel something pleasant. Turns out, it doesn’t matter why I felt bad before – logic won’t help. I just need to write-over the unpleasant feelings with better ones.

Any cheap, low-quality plot can manipulate feelings. The reason why I feel a certain way isn’t special. I could’ve been watching a soap-opera and applied its plot to my own life. Feelings are dumb and they’re evoked with dumb story-lines. This is fine, but it means feelings aren’t valuable – they’re a dime a dozen. This also means that whatever inspires a feeling isn’t special either. I can choose to make it special, but that’s a decision I make – it has no control over me.

Well that’s the theory anyway. We’ll see how the previously mentioned experiment goes. The initial results are promising though – so far so good.

Feelings Experiment

For many years now, my strategy has been to attack my negative thoughts with great fervor and ferocity. The process worked to some degree. But it was a daily game of whack-a-mole where I bashed each thought as it entered my awareness. I could tell a thought was “bad” by the way it made me feel. In other words: whenever I felt bad, I would identify and eliminate whatever thought I caught stirring-up trouble in my mind. But in some sense, I resented my mind for presenting me with a limitless source of sour musings.

In addition to that, I adopted a worldview that allowed me to dismiss scary and worrisome concepts. This took a few years to take hold but I’m no longer plagued by fear. Now it’s mostly a general dissatisfaction that haunts me. Hunting down wayward thoughts doesn’t seem to be enough. I’ve recently started considering the importance of “feelings” and their prominence in the experience of existence. It seems strange to have dismissed their significance for so long.

Therefore, I’m currently engaged in an experiment in which I’m monitoring my feelings. Whereas I used to manage good/bad thoughts, it’s now good/bad feelings. But instead of bad feelings indicating a bad thought, I no longer care about the thought I was having – I must immediately change my feeling to a better one. This can be done by dumping into a pleasant daydream or by imagining what a particular pleasant feeling feels like. Feelings are relatively easy to manipulate.

Thoughts tend to fight back and resist. Feelings just kinda go with the flow. It’s easier to incite people with soap-operas than intellectual debate. You could explain how erroneous and corrupt someone is until you’re blue in the face – but if you mention how that person kicked a dog, it’s instant hate. The same thing happens with the mind, so skip the debate and just show it puppies. “Aww puppies!! So cute!!”

Feelings Galore

Why would a world exist whose purpose seems to be the production of feelings?

We can readily observe that the particular narratives used to generate feelings are low-effort and repetitive. We can also observe that both pleasant and unpleasant feelings are elicited – meaning, individual comfort doesn’t seem to be a concern of the system. We can also observe that the mind itself generates feeling-inducing thoughts within the imagination all the time. We can also observe that the physical tasks individuals do all day aren’t very significant, consisting of busy-work or time-wasting activities or entertainment of some sort.

Whereas the excitement and intensity of life comes from feelings. You could be alone in a house, doing nothing at all, and then anxiety takes hold and you no longer feel alone – you’re scared. Now those feelings are firing at full-blast. It wasn’t the activity that was significant, just the feelings.

If the system doesn’t care what type of feelings are produced, does that mean that individuals have the option of selecting the feelings they prefer? Let’s consider this for a moment: if the world is all about feelings, doesn’t it make sense to make them a priority? We already know that you don’t need high-quality narratives to evoke feelings – the ideas can be dumb. So, by telling ourselves stories that bring about feelings we prefer, wouldn’t we improve our overall experience of existence?

Perhaps I was barking up the wrong tree, focusing on thoughts – trying to piece together an infallible worldview. You’re not seeking a logical pathway, there’s nothing to figure out, you’re simply imagining things in a way that feels better – and it doesn’t matter how you got there. For example: I don’t have a workshop, but I want one. Such a condition sometimes makes me feel bad. Focusing on that lack and sadness is a dumb thing to do. As an exercise, I will now imagine what it feels like walking into my dream-workshop. I can feel the sense of wonder and excitement and the thrill of having so many tools at my disposal. Hm, you know what, that does feel better.

So every time I feel suboptimal, I should imagine what something better feels like. Time for an experiment: during the next few days, guard your feelings at all cost. If at any time you feel bad, dump into a daydream and imagine a situation that makes you feel good. Remember, the theme can be cliche and simplistic – nothing elaborate. And if you can’t even conjure that, just imagine you’re feeling a pleasant feeling. Do not at any time allow yourself to entertain a negative feeling – don’t analyze it, dump out immediately.

Annoyance Theater

The thing about immersive theater is the collaborative aspect, as it’s often ill-defined. Are there scripted actors? Improvisation? Who’s who? Is it co-crafted emergent entertainment or a specific story that’s written out and witnessed in close proximity. I suppose that ambiguity is part of the fun, making it a dance with give-and-take and a bit of mystery and surprise.

I think in this world, the input of the audience is taken into account to some degree. But to what degree I’m not sure. For example, I’ve been having a very uncomfortable morning for the past few hours. That’s not even atypical, as I’m uncomfortable a lot. But this morning seemed more frustrating than usual, filled with a bunch of circumstances that seemed tailor-made to incite annoyance. Why? What did I do to invite such unpleasantries? And what kind of production would go through the effort of portraying such things?

Maybe like a timer in an escape-room, pressure is put on the audience to act. I feel the pressure, but I’m honestly at a loss – where do I apply my output in order to relieve the pushing? I need a hint. In an immersive theater there’s usually someone pointing the way. Maybe I skipped the introductory instructions. Maybe I’m just supposed to keep looking, but with a keener eye backed by increased dedication.

I gotta be honest though, the show I’m experiencing sucks. I really just want to sit in a chair and observe. Every part of this immersive stuff has been too intense or unsatisfying – just overall uncomfortable. If I’m a beta-tester in a soon-to-be-released immersive simulation that allows players to experience human life on Earth, my report is not going to be a positive one. No one should have to experience an endless procession of dissatisfaction. It’s just torture at some point.

P.S. I can obviously perceive the negative tone of this essay. I am also at the statistical nadir of human happiness i.e. mid-life. Is this more of a mid-life crisis manifesting? One of the specific points a participant must endure in order to get the full experience of humanity? Maybe one day I’ll look back at this and laugh joyfully, surrounded by the things I love and fully satisfied in the life I live. Here’s to then.

Chatty Trickster

I mentioned this point a couple days ago but I’ll re-tell it because the realization stood out as significant in my quest to overcome negativity.

I was standing there the other day and my mind started suggesting how subpar something was. As I listened to the complaint, I began thinking: “hey wait a minute, my mind has a nasty opinion about EVERYTHING – so how can THIS particular circumstance be below-average if they’re ALL below-average”. At that moment I felt as though I’d been tricked. A long-term trick too, one that took an embarrassingly long time to notice.

Was my dumb mind making me believe that I’m having a low-quality experience? What makes it low-quality? What criteria is being used to judge against? Or is my mind simply labeling everything “bad” by default? Is my mind and its constant-criticisms the actual source of my general dissatisfaction with life?

If true, that means I should withdraw effort from fulfilling my worldly desires (my mind will only sour the outcome anyway) – and I should instead concentrate all effort onto stopping my mind’s influence on my experiences. (Note: I’ve probably had similar realizations over the years, but such notions fade quickly as I lose myself back into daily life.

Quite simply, my mind cannot be trusted – its opinions are toxic. So, how do I stop my mind from influencing my experience? The typical answer I come up with is: by utilizing awareness and mental discipline. But if I’m still dealing with this issue, that method doesn’t seem very effective. And I can’t usually sustain it for very long, as daily-life seems to suck me back in. But what other options exist? Hm….

Dissatisfying Source

Something I’ve noticed in myself and others, is a tendency to blame a particular condition or circumstance as the source of dissatisfaction. Logically then, one would assume that fixing the condition or circumstance would result in a state of satisfaction – but I’ve noticed that it does not. The attainment of a desired outcome doesn’t produce contentment. In fact, it often elicits a worse feeling. With nothing to blame for ongoing feelings of dissatisfaction, a distressing dilemma can arise.

“What is causing this unrelenting unhappiness!? Nothing seems to satisfy! Won’t I ever feel contentment!?” It appears to me that the root cause of dissatisfaction lies outside the bounds of the fulfillment of one’s desires. In other words, if you attempt to cure discontentment by acquiring something you want, you will fail by your achievement. Another way to put it: by winning, you’ll lose.

I don’t think chasing goals is inherently bad, it’s a game like any other. But believing that attainment will bring a sense of satisfaction is totally and completely wrong. That’s not where you’ll find it. You’re not unhappy because of a condition or circumstance or because you lack something you want. You’re unhappy because you’re perplexed. You don’t know what’s happening here, yet you’re sure that something’s wrong with your situation (which is illogical and demonstrates your confusion).

How could your situation be “bad” if you lack a definitive metric to measure by? Maybe it’s good? How would you know? Yet, you can prove beyond any shadow of a doubt that fulfilling your wants will leave you even more dissatisfied. Try it, you’ll see. You’ll be no less empty – you’ll remain full of discontentment.