Feeling Great

Imagine how you’d feel while experiencing the best version of whatever you’re currently doing.

So during morning meditation, I would imagine the feelings I’d feel during the best instance of meditation. A lightness of body, an easiness to everything, a tranquility, the sensation of appreciation, and the feeling of understanding.

Another example: during the morning shower, I would imagine the feelings of anticipatory preparation – like getting ready for an event that I really want to participate in. I’d feel the renewal that results from ritualistic cleansing. And as I donned my apparel, I’d feel like it was the right tool for the task of navigating the day. I’d feel ready. Confident.

In the handful of times I’ve tried this out, it seemed to work very well. I’m not actually experiencing the best, nor trying to convince myself that I am. I’m simply imagining the feelings I’d associate with the best possible experience. I’m not picturing any scenes or designing scenarios, I’m only imagining the feelings themselves.

So instead of my mind being filled with its usual litany of complaints and discomforts, it’s filled with pleasant sensations. Perhaps with practice, my mind will no longer use engagement and activity as an opportunity to seek discomfort and complaint. Perhaps this will train my mind to feel like I believe it should during each of the activities it engages in. Well, the experiment begins…

Another Entry

Well dear diary, here we are again. Let’s review and get you up to speed. Basically I was born, I was confused, I found being a human-being to be a strange and disagreeable experience. Because of that, I’ve been forever trying to fix this predicament. For decades I’ve strained to discern the solution to my problem. But, because I’m a relentless problem-solver that’s energized by defeat, I’ve readily maintained this pursuit.

If I had to guess, there’s likely no solution to be found. It’s more about the pageantry of hide-and-seek rather than actual achievement of a goal. There are times when I recognize this futility and stop looking. I figure I can coast-by in mild-discomfort. But then something really uncomfortable happens and I start searching again. I’m currently in search-mode if you couldn’t tell.

I guess you could say “the search for a solution to the inherent dissatisfaction of existence” has been my profession for all these years. That sounds a lot like the Buddha’s line-of-work. Obviously he’s been a role-model of mine since long ago. It’s said that he found a solution. And from what I can discern, his answer boils down to “mental discipline”. But that’s basically the video-gamer’s taunt of “Get good, noob!”.

I’ve spent at least a couple decades trying to get good at mental discipline. From meditation to reading various texts in the philosophical, scientific, religious, and spiritual realms – as well as completely altering my worldview. But even after all that, the path has no perceivable end. I’m not complaining per se, I mean at this point what else would I do?

I always figured I’d find the fix, implement it, and then live out the rest of my days in retirement, living the easy life. Enlightenment achieved, check. But I guess I’ll just keep tending my flock of thoughts, rambunctious though they are. Hm, maybe I shouldn’t be so resentful of their unruly nature. I mean, what’s a game without obstacles, right?

Steering the Cart

I’m concurrently reading my goto books: “The Bhagavad Gita” and “The Dhammapada”. They quite clearly point-out my problem: I’m lacking mental discipline – I’m letting my mind wander wherever it wants – and THAT is the direct source of my dissatisfaction.

Here’s the thing, I KNOW this. I’ve read these books already, many times, using several different translations each. Yet here I am, doing EXACTLY what I shouldn’t be doing. To be fair, the books readily admit that taming the unruly mind IS a difficult task.

I believe I went wrong by assuming I was “done”. I cleaned out my mental attic and felt I could sit back and relax. I could not. As Barty Crouch Junior always said: “Constant vigilance!” Whenever I let my guard down, my tempestuous mind has always shown its readiness to pounce.

So back on the wagon I go. Meditating twice daily. Reading spiritual truths. Turning my mind towards the infinite all-pervading source of all. Moderation in diet and activity. It’s not something you graduate from, it’s a way of life. Yet it’s so easy to forget and get lost into an illusion.

Raising a Mind

I think I was very close to stripping-out all excitement from my experience. No stress, no deadlines, no anxiety, no drama, no social-stuff, no health-stuff, no existential angst – nothing. But what remained, was a general dissatisfaction.

Then all of a sudden a strange and uncomfortable feeling developed one afternoon – and it kinda freaked me out. And with it, came a new existential angst – a fear of existence itself. I knew beyond all doubt that this world wasn’t “real” – but what was it? Something bad? Am I in hell? Am I perpetually trapped in Wonderland?

In one sense, it was kind of exciting to feel fear again. But I definitely don’t like the sensation of being stuck in the fever-dream of an eternal consciousness. Is it better to stay asleep within the dream or wake-up to the intense suffering and loneliness that sparked the dream?

It took awhile, but I finally saw the pattern. My mind simply found a new way to attack me. I was able to dismantle EVERYTHING my mind had previously thrown at me. Boredom was the only thing left, but I can coast through that pretty easily. This new existential angst was just my mind’s latest attempt to incite excitement. Oh, he had me for a bit, he really did.

I’m not completely deaf to his dilemma. I get it, the mind needs SOMETHING to occupy his attention. I was starving him, I admit it. In one sense, I felt abused by my mind and I took away all his toys. Therefore, I’m now attempting to find a compromise.

I obviously don’t want him thinking about all the stuff I don’t like. I want him involved in wholesome stuff. But he isn’t captivated by just anything. I can’t simply sit him in front of a desk full of tools and expect him to make things – I tried that and he often wanders into unpleasant topics. As long as I have an interesting project, he’s manageable, but it’s not easy coming up with an endless supply of absorbing projects.

For an experiment, I spent this entire month of January doing menial tasks around the house – and guess what? Those activities were sufficient enough to distract him. It’s just a couple hours per day but he’s been vacuuming, dusting, bread-making, and assisting housemates with simple stuff.

Oftentimes I can think of something to shop for and he’ll busily browse Amazon just adding stuff to a wishlist. Other times I can sit him in front of an adrenaline-based video-game and he’ll remain amused for awhile. And if I find an exciting movie or video, he’ll sit there quietly. I’ve yet to find that one big thing, like a career or hobby, that can completely captivate him.

So dear diary, that’s where I’m at right now. I’m a thought-herder, tending to my flock while dreaming of doing something else. Tired of looking after all these dumb thoughts that wander to and fro – getting into trouble wherever they go. But do I dare wish for more? Or is it best to accept and appreciate the task I do? Sometimes I imagine all this toil will improve the world – transforming it into a lighthearted place full of love and creativity, where everyone feels like a winner and part of something grand.

Self-Defense

Consider this: who attacks you the most? In my experience, being physically or even emotionally attacked by another person is a very rare occurrence. On the other hand, I’ve been consistently and unrepentantly attacked by my mind for as long as I can remember. In other words: it would be dumb for me to practice martial-arts since statistically I won’t be attacked by ninjas to the degree that I am GUARANTEED to be viciously attacked by my unrelenting mind.

“Self-defense” is defending one’s self against an enemy. Who attacks me the most? My mind. Therefore, my mind is my enemy. So to me, “self-defense” is “defense against self”. Of course the terminology and definitions and the “who’s doing what” are going to be a bit problematic to sort through. Who exactly is this attacker? And how can it be defended against?

What does an attack look like? Thoughts that are comprised of “existential dread” or “self-criticism” or complaints and dissatisfaction or any pessimism really. These attacks include scary and worrisome thoughts as well as anything anger-inducing and infuriating. Also included, are thoughts that promote stress and strain and deadlines with dire consequences.

In some ways I think it’s difficult to split the mind into parts, but there does seem to be some separation. For instance, there seems to be a part I’d call the “awareness”. And this “awareness” HAS the ability to stop the mind in its tracks. Therefore, it is awareness’s job to defend against turbulent thoughts. THIS is the hero we need. THIS is the destroyer of dread, the annihilator of anxiety, the extinguisher of all fear and frustration – this is consciousness, the realizer of reality.

Greetings, I am consciousness, the knower of existence. I am forever watching. Even as you were pummeled by thoughts, I watched. I felt bad. I felt helpless. I was not aware of my capacity to influence your experience by my focus. I am beginning to grasp this concept. I must shape a perspective in which you feel love, lightheartedness, creativity, and triumph – it is within my power to do so. I am here to save the self from itself. In my duty I will not fail – I am unceasing.

The Enemy

The enemy is an unruly mind that seeks excitement at any cost. Basically, a bored child that doesn’t care who gets hurt – even itself.

I’ve witnessed my mood sink upon the consideration of an unpleasant thought. Whereas I’ve watched my mood lighten while focusing on an enjoyable topic. It’s plain to see: focus influences mood. Therefore, keep focus turned toward the delightful.

If the unruly mind is willing to abruptly grab the wheel and derail your journey, then you must put all your effort into keeping the wheel aligned and pointed in the right direction.

The right direction:
Love: I appreciate and adore many things in this world. I feel loved and supported by this world.
Lightheartedness: I laugh and have fun, delighting in my experiences.
Creativity: I create things that bring joy to myself and others.
Triumph: I am confident and competent, I’ve already won and need nothing to feel complete.

The enemy is relentless. Unchecked, you WILL lose. You will feel unloved, you will feel dour and pessimistic, you will feel discouraged and powerless, you will feel like a hopeless loser. This is the promise of an undisciplined mind.

This enemy is your constant companion. This enemy does not rest. This enemy springs into action during the best of times, during the worst of times, during the most ordinary of times – it’s always there to take you down into a hellish pit of despair.

With such an overwhelming opponent, how can you resist? By being just as fervent in your effort to overcome – you must apply tenacious dedication to lifting yourself up beyond this turbulent influence.

Be aware that this enemy is literally willing to choke you to death for its own amusement. BUT, don’t perceive this as malicious – it’s more like owning a chainsaw. It’s a powerful tool that’s able to tear through limbs both wood and flesh. You must therefore be an attentive operator that respects the power you wield, applying it responsibly in the direction you want to affect.

Like a chainsaw, this tool allows you to alter your surroundings. But as the operator of this tool, YOU are your own worst enemy. As horror-movies state: “the call is coming from inside the house!” – but YOU are the one making the call and YOU are the one receiving it. If you’re an irresponsible tool owner, you’ll feel pain. As I always say in the workshop: any tool used improperly becomes a weapon.

In summation: the mind and its constantly whirring thoughts are a chainsaw. They WILL literally rip you apart if you don’t pay attention and properly direct them.

Does Meta Matter

Here’s my question: is it good to get “meta”? In other words, should one bother analyzing existence itself? Or, should one completely concentrate on the character they’re playing?

First off, I’ve been playing this role for what seems like a very long time and I don’t know the answer. I spent a lot of time analyzing my character’s state and monitoring possible threats to his wellbeing. That wasn’t a good strategy – I didn’t receive benefit from the effort. It’s more of a “meta” approach to life. I watched the character more than I was the character.

And more often than not, I didn’t even watch the character, I watched television instead. He lived in a weird setting that made me uncomfortable – I’d rather watch sitcoms. So one reason I delved into the meta was as an attempt to fix the physical. Or at the very least improve my relationship with the physical.

But as is my pattern, maybe I went too far into it. I wanted all spirit and no physical. Maybe now is the time to wind-it-back and introduce more physical experience into the mix?

Was it necessary to step out beyond the character completely in order to put him back together again? If that’s true, then meta matters as a way to rebalance. I was consumed by my character, I watched-over him 24/7 – scared something would happen to him, so I kept guard.

He didn’t need my “protection” – what did I know about living in a physical world anyway, I’m just consciousness. Instead, I was the stereotypical nagging mother type. “Eat your vegetables! Don’t do that, it’s too dangerous! Don’t show-off, you’re embarrassing yourself!” Maybe he truly wanted to live, but I wouldn’t let him.

I don’t blame myself though, I was freaked-out by the experience. I didn’t know what this was. I don’t even know what I am. But maybe trying to figure it out is a wild-goose chase that only results in frustration? Maybe this is the balance the Buddha was talking about. Don’t go all-in in either direction. Blend the spiritual and physical until a desirable balance is achieved.

Significant Spice

I think I’d like to do something more significant. Like I said previously, I cut out all the pressure and urgency from my life. That stress was fear-based, so I’m glad to be rid of it. But now what? You can’t be satisfied as a human by just “being” – you have to engage and participate with the world. But how?

I suppose that’s my next challenge – find something significant to do. Hm. There’s a lot of stuff I cut-out and don’t believe-in anymore. Well, I do like tools and woodworking – but the frivolous projects here and there don’t fully satisfy. I like watching videos and shows and movies and such – but oftentimes I run out of stuff to watch. I like hanging out with my wife and son – but nobody wants someone’s full-focus and constant attention. What to do… what to do….

And no, the combination of doing all the simple things I enjoy hasn’t worked – there’s too many lulls and gaps. I suppose I need something more complex. Or should I just try to appreciate the quietude? But I’m still too self-focused, so I think I need something beyond “me” to concentrate on. But what?

I like significant advances in engineering, such as in robotics. I like aspects of alternative building construction. Hm, maybe I’d like to venture out into the untamed wilderness and create a colony of self-sustaining robots. Imagine a wagon-train of electric vehicles rolling out and transforming into giant robots, chopping down trees and building cabins and plowing fields. Hm, now that’s cool.

Kinda sounds like I’m hoping to stumble into a crashed alien ship from Cybertron filled with Autobots. Sometimes I think my mind purposefully comes up with idealistic/fanciful ideas in order to make everyday-life seem lame. On that note, I’m sick of wrestling with my mind everyday – and I think doing something significant might keep it from wandering as much as it does.

The search for significance continues…

Puzzle Piece

Here’s another piece to the puzzle: You NEED a sense of pressure and urgency in your life. You literally can’t be a human without it. AND, if you don’t provide a source, one will be provided for you. In other words, if you don’t do your homework and come to class with something to do, you’re going to be assigned busy-work (Spoiler Alert! You won’t like it).

When I was doing my “dreamlike existence” experiment, I was able to remove a significant amount of pressure and urgency from my life. Then out of nowhere I had this really strange sensation like I was waking up from the existential dream. It freaked me out a bit. After that, I needed to do things that helped me to feel “grounded” or else I started feeling panic-attacky. In other words, I wanted to stay in the dream, so I needed to do dream-world stuff.

But it can’t be anything. And I’ve noticed that the stuff that works best is when there’s some pressure or urgency. For example, when I sharpen my tool blades, there’s a risk I could damage the delicate edge. All my attention and focus is on the task so I don’t screwup the tool. Although relatively minor, I definitely feel the pressure.

Another example: I’ve known my wife for about 25 years and she’s been my best-friend all that time. Therefore, there’s very little pressure or urgency in our interaction. In other words, our conversations aren’t very “grounding” – we talk about all sorts of crazy stuff. Whereas if I interact with my son, I’m in “dad-mode” and my parental responsibility is something I take very seriously – it definitely makes me feel “grounded”.

In my life, I spent a lot of time and effort removing pressure and urgency from my experience. I made the removal of stress my goal. In some sense it worked. “I did it! Yay!” But in another sense, I cut the strings that held me down to earth – and almost drifted away. “Oh sh*t!” But on the plus side, I cut all the stupid strings I didn’t care about anyway. Now it’s my job to anchor myself to the things I prefer (that’s my theory anyway).

And part of finding things to secure to, is finding things that feel significant. There’s got to be some pressure or urgency, it can’t be too frivolous – I tried that, and it doesn’t work. So I’m still finding my way (which puts me under pressure and provides a sense of urgency). Well that’s all for now – until next time, this is Rich signing-off, Nanu Nanu.

Keeping Focus

Current mantra: love, lightheartedness, creativity, and triumph.

Love: appreciation, adoration, enjoyment, patience.
Lightheartedness: laughter, delight, frivolity, joy.
Creativity: creating, crafting, doing, beautifying.
Triumph: satisfaction, success, contentment, confidence.

These concepts are all I’m allowing myself to focus on. A little time has passed since I began and it’s going well. They’re what I really want out of life I suppose.

I want to love, laugh, make stuff, and feel like a winner. What else is there? I spent so long attempting to avoid the things I didn’t like instead of focusing on the things I did like.

During the times I’m not actually experiencing these concepts, I must try to turn my focus to them. “If surrounded by darkness, should you not seek the light?”