Introductory Statement

An excerpt from the fictional tales of An Alien on Earth:

People of Earth, my planet has for a long time watched your continued development. Please do not interpret this clandestine monitoring as nefarious, but merely as intense curiosity. As you might watch a bird in its natural habitat, we watched without want of disturbing your ways. By our communication, we realize your attention will turn to us.

Why now do we break our silence and seek your attention? Why does anyone travel to exotic locales and interact with the locals? It is simply an interesting facet of existence. And as there is no perfect time for one people to introduce themselves to another, this time seems as good as any. Those of our planet value an ever broadening path into the wider universe.

Obviously in terms of interplanetary travel, our technology is more advanced than your own. But as a people, I think you will find us relatable. I also believe that many among you would be interested in learning about our world. Of course we’ve studied your world from afar but we would like to engage in a more interactive approach.

We recognize the risks involved with such proximity and we accept them. Again, as we are sufficiently advanced and far reaching, we expect nothing of you – simply the wonders of interaction with an alien species. We are not a warlike people – we do not crave domination, but exploration. Nor do we seek to influence your world – uniqueness is what makes traveling to different lands so fascinating.

People of Earth, we come in peace – in the spirit of friendship and goodwill. Let us therefore celebrate together as inhabitants of a shared universe. Let us rejoice in an exchange of culture and begin a dialogue that will expand our perspectives, feed our fascination, and increase our joy. We welcome you to travel upon our ships and to experience our world as well. With great admiration and affection we offer you fellowship and we look forward to our new interactive discourse.

Monkey Troubles

An excerpt from the fictional tales of Alien on Earth.
A story of an extraterrestrial’s warped interpretation of life on planet Earth.

Fix something? Fix something?! Fix something?!! What is there to fix? A bunch of monkeys flinging their feces into each other’s faces? How can you fix that? What is there to fix exactly? They produce new piles every day! What’s your fix? Restraints? Lessons in etiquette? Good luck with that.

The problem is not monkeys flinging feces, the problem is you thinking there’s a problem. Anyone who has ever tried to restrain fecal flinging has come and gone, yet feces is still flung. Each new day brings a new turd — a monkey cannot overcome the temptation. Orgasmically producing a pile into his hand, weighing it satisfyingly, he hurls it into the face of the nearest monkey.

Monkeys crap on loved ones as much or more than they do strangers. And more than anyone else, they crap on themselves to point of nearly drowning in their own piles of butt-butter. What can you fix about that? No, no, you completely misunderstand. When something is at this level of absurdity, there simply is no fix. Hey, at least they seem to enjoy themselves once in awhile.

Sure they get upset when poop gets in their mouths, but most of them get over it. But fixing it? How could it be done without measures severe enough to leave their lives devoid of everything they hold dear. These are monkeys we’re talking about, and a monkey flings feces, even the nicest ones. Just stand aside and observe, there’s nothing to fix. Oh, and keep your mouth shut, unless you want feces flung in it.

A Misunderstanding

An excerpt from the fictional tales of An Alien on Earth.
A story of an extraterrestrial’s warped interpretation of life on the planet Earth.

The birth of this nation began as the backroom dealings of elites. “We The People” were not so much consulted, but dragged — many kicking and screaming. And we only need look at the first meeting between John Adams, the appointed Minister Plenipotentiary, and King George to know the impetus for “revolution” was not abject tyranny, but the “tyranny” felt by a teenager complaining about his meager allowance and early curfew. Did Canada and Australia turn out as demented fiends, tormented by a tyrannical Britain? Psh.

And what did these faultless Founding Fathers set out to do after winning their independence? But cement the foundation of slavery and set forth on a genocidal westward expansion. Are these acts not the very definition of tyranny? And we should not let it escape our attention that these Founding Fathers found themselves in positions of leadership following the war, the war they themselves incited. Are those that participate in violent rebellion also those best fit to establish and maintain a government in peacetime?

And to call the system of government they established a “democracy” in any sense of the word is disingenuous at best. It was, and only ever has been, a system to present the appearance of general participation. How could the common folk know as much as educated elites — and therefore, why should their voice be equal? And while that is at least a logical position to hold, why pretend to include the opinions of the whole? Because by this illusion, they were able to create and maintain an oligarchy.

Many had noble intentions to be sure. For instance, Massachusetts began as a religious colony that was ever opposed to the practice of slavery. If their forefathers left Britain to escape religious persecution, then of course they may see fit to formally separate. Additionally, what pious man would not recognize that there is but one King who rules mankind, and should any mortal claim such a position for himself, he is both a charlatan and blasphemer.

It appears that the regular everyday working man though, the loyal subject of the crown, was dragged into independence by the wealthy businessmen conspiring with religious/philosophical zealots. These business elites did not seek freedom for the masses, but freedom from regulation — they sought the power to exploit at will. And henceforth, the country’s history has been the common man’s struggle to free himself from the oppressive yoke of profiteers.

But through misdirection, the source of the people’s dissatisfaction remains unknown to many. Hidden behind layers of confusion: obfuscated electoral processes, parties, “representatives”, laws, policies, self-serving regulations, exemptions, loopholes, agreements, bureaucracies — there is nothing to focus on, there is only a sense of lack and bewilderment. To enact change, one must understand what it is that requires changing — but the system exists to misdirect and remain misunderstood.

Credit Conundrum

An excerpt from the fictional tales of Alien on Earth.
Circa 2014. North America.

I must say, one of the most devious tactics was the introduction of easily available credit. It gave wage-earners the impression of maintaining their purchasing power while it actually declined. In other words, they had less money, but were able to continue buying what they usually bought.

And due to the nature of credit, these purchases were parasitic — every transaction resulted in a continuous surcharge, creating recurrent profit for third-parties. And with ever increasing balances, the wage-earners were locked into debt.

It wasn’t a matter of simply deciding not to buy on credit, by tradition and trickery, wage-earners maintained the lifestyles they were accustomed to. And realize that there were no resource shortages — it was simply a shifting of money from one group to another by the mingling of easily available credit with declining purchasing power.

Had the credit not been available, the wage-earners simply couldn’t have made purchases and would have noticed their declining lifestyles — and likely taken action. But the gradual change was imperceptible to most, and debt became a natural state.

Consider though, a parasite is most effective when it allows for a healthy, thriving host — but in contemporary society, the strain on beleaguered bodies is apparent. It may reach a point where the host must excise its parasite completely — but in this era, such a change is easy enough as it’s merely the shifting of decimal points here and there. Again, there are no shortages, merely an imbalance of zeroes.

Ape or Alien

So either I’m a deluded ape created by chance and led by instinct through random interactions — or I’m a purposefully dumbed-down other-worldly observer experiencing life through the mind of an Earth-creature. And what’s unclear in either scenario is whether the self-aware watcher has any significant influence over outcomes.

For the first part of my life, the ape option seemed the most probable answer, it was tangible, I could directly perceive that I was a quasi-ape on a rotating rock. But after living life a bit more, it became apparent how hazy and undefinable everything was, that what you see is not always what you get — and it became plausible that life could be deliberately deceptive, an illusion.

The more I’ve witnessed, the less randomness seems likely — the silly little dramas of life appear to perpetuate intentionally, with no lessons learnt despite their frequency. Even the central insight I’ve gleaned after a few decades of life is merely the “unknowableness” of life — I’ve learnt that life is unlearnable.

And yet I persist in my attempts to figure out life. I don’t know why of course, but it seems an interesting mystery at least. But why should it be a mystery, why isn’t it obvious? Seems suspicious, no? And a related insight I’ve gleaned is this: don’t take life seriously, as I have no idea what’s going on here — it may just be make-believe, so there’s no sense in getting worked-up over it.