Off Balance

I know that “this” is an artificial experience. It’s like a dream or simulation of some sort. I also know that I’m capable of feeling “delight” and “dissatisfaction”. So here’s my problem: why is my experience tipped so far into the “dissatisfaction” end of the spectrum? If it’s artificial, why can’t it just be awesome? And because it isn’t, I’m frustrated by this fact. It feels as though this world is forever attempting to annoy me.

Hm, well that’s how I feel nowadays. For the first few decades it felt like the world was trying to scare the crap out of me. I was anxious all the time, now I’m annoyed. I can’t ever get comfortable. Existence to me, is an exercise in discomfort. Why? All that time and effort I put into minimizing my anxiety seems worthless since I’m still uncomfortable – just in a different way. I think the Buddha might be right: life is suffering.

And if he’s right about that, what about the other parts? This suffering is a result of my desire to be human. I’m not a human, I’m just a whimsical dream. BUT, I often pretend to be human – and humans feel things, intensely. At some point it must’ve seemed like a good idea: to partake in the opportunity to feel – to be human. Well what if I want to rescind that desire? The Buddha says it can be done – but is that what I really want?

Hm, after thinking about it for a bit, maybe the opportunity to feel is worth the ordeal? For example, playing a physical sport results in a lot of bumps and bruises, but overall it can be fun. Maybe I’m just taking the punches too personally. I’m obviously too focused on my immediate comfort in every moment. I rarely get my hands dirty – figuratively and literally. Again, like the Buddha said, maybe I just need to find that balance.