Feelings Update

It’s been a couple of weeks since I started a “feelings” experiment. But a couple days into it, I received internal inspiration to start something new and specific – basically a hobby. So that’s what I’ve been busy with. Then I received internal inspiration to do another thing, and I did that too. I also had a couple “bad days” where things just weren’t going right, but I kept doing my new hobbies regardless.

I wasn’t able to change my feelings during those “bad days”. My thoughts were a dumpster fire (as usual), so any attempt to “daydream” a better scenario didn’t work. The only thing that kinda helped was imagining the physical sensation of a pleasant feeling, like “joy” or the feeling of being “powerful” – it didn’t last long.

Note: a “bad day” is one in which a series of external unpleasant circumstances parade through your day while you feel like a hopeless loser.

So “bad days” are still something to watch out for, like a storm rolling through. Not even feelings could counteract it. But I will say, that my initial foray into “feelings” seemed to work very well. But after all that stuff I started doing, it’s been long enough that I’m out of the initial mindset that got me thinking about “feelings”. So either life is rewarding me for taking the correct path – or it’s throwing up distractions to keep me off the path – hmm.

A couple weeks ago, I had a major revelation about “feelings” that seemed to impart a significant insight that I could readily express. I had all the answers I ever needed! Now? “What are feelings? The sensation of hot and cold? I don’t get it.” My mindset has shifted back and I’m simply doing my new hobby stuff now. I KNOW the “feelings stuff” was working – but without the accompanying mindset, I can’t grasp it. This pattern repeats itself over and over: revelation, insight, understanding – then a little time passes and it’s gone. I go back to an everyday-life outlook and I lose the higher perspective.

And that’s why this 10-year-old “blog” is so repetitive and cyclical. Insights don’t last, and after some time the same idea becomes insightful again. My perspective drifts and shifts and I grasp different things at different times. For example, my ability to understand computer-programming comes and goes. I was just looking at some code I wrote a few years ago and I couldn’t understand how or why it worked. It was well-written and very neatly organized, but I’m just not in a programming mindset at the moment.

Or I’ll stare at my woodworking tools and wonder how I ever had the skill and patience to craft some of things I made with them – things that seem so tedious and intricate. Or I’ll look at old essays and think “wow, where did this come from? I can’t imagine devising these ideas or explaining them so succinctly.” But round and round I go. I suppose I’m in a daily-life mode of thinking right now. I’m only writing this entry because I felt my experiment required an update.