We had just moved down to central Florida. I had the resources of my newly retired parents, but all I could understand was lack and limitation. For whatever reason I strictly budgeted myself and refused tickets to the parks for awhile. We went around to all the places on property that didn’t require an entrance fee. Disney-on-a-Budget I called it.
But free and unrestrained access to the resorts? That seemed too extravagant, too easy, essentially cheating. You must pay to stay in order to play. Those weren’t the rules, yet they were MY self-imposed rules. You can’t have fun without limits, that’s indulgence! And indulgence needs to be paid for with punishment.
When I finally moved out of my parents’ house, I had a job that could afford the lifestyle I was looking for. But it wasn’t enough. I stayed at the computer all day and night whether I needed to or not. Even though the work was relatively easy, I made it as hard on myself as possible. I couldn’t have fun. I barely made it to Disney anymore. I barely made it outside of my apartment.
I made it so difficult in fact, that I finally cracked and gave-up on my software-development career altogether. We left the state in a self-imposed exile to the north amidst the dead of winter. We arrived to snow and cold. We dared not leave our tiny shack for fear that our little car couldn’t hack it.
Thinking back, I can see that my attitude was atrocious. It’s embarrassing in fact. What an idiot. On any plane of reality you wish to accept, my actions had no valid justification. I was paranoid. I was an extremist hell-bent on maintaining a belief in lack and limitation and I made sure I suffered at every turn. Sick.
Let me reiterate this point: even though I had EVERYTHING I wanted, I couldn’t accept it, I couldn’t appreciate ANY of it. It was a classic Greek tragedy. I had a wonderful wife, a respectable career, I lived in a town I loved, right down the road from my childhood happy-place — yet it was all a source of pain. So much so that I had to leave — and enter into the literal pain of an isolated snowy winter up north.
Deep breath. In… Out… It’s a little rough to contemplate and convict myself of such stupidity. It’s undeniable though. But through grace I am forgiven. It was about an 8-year exile. I’m back now. I’m not in a perfect situation but I’m attempting to appreciate it nonetheless. I am attempting to eschew any thoughts or feelings of lack and limitation.
With my consent, my friend is taking the wheel this time around, so anytime I’ve tried to pump the brake she kicked my foot away. My goal nowadays is to make amends for my gross and unacceptable attitude. I apologize to life itself as well as to my dear friend that’s always been there for me. The only restitution I can offer is a commitment to better myself.
To that end, I seek to enjoy my time on Earth and help others do the same. I seek to develop an authentic appreciation for life, fully realizing the gift I’ve been so lovingly given. I seek to make trust my default. I seek to be a worthy friend and father. And of course I seek to rid myself of my long-time addiction to negativity. Goodbye fear. Goodbye lack and limitation.