Dear Rich, even though you’ve barely mentioned it, I’m sick and tired of hearing about how awesome and magical your life is! Just stop it already and have a miserable time like the rest of us!
Oh dear reader, how I’ve felt those exact same sentiments in the past. It’s true, I didn’t get it when people claimed to be enjoying life. I figured them for liars or just too stupid to understand the complexities of the geopolitical system that they were being oppressed by. But it was my problem, I couldn’t understand the concept of enjoying life. I’d think, “Life is a miserable affair you moron, what’s there to be happy about!?”
Lucky for you dear reader, that you’ve stumbled upon someone just like you. A “realist” know-it-all that’s hell bent on convincing everyone else that they’re as miserable as you are. Except nowadays I’m a reformed pessimist — why you might even call me an optimist. If you try to feed me some of that gloom-and-doom bullsh*t, I’ll turn that turd into a polished gem just right for framin’.
Now, let’s get down to business. Here’s what we’re dealing with: your life sucks and you know it. I’ve been in your position and I turned my life around. You don’t want to wait a minute longer for your life to stop sucking therefore you’re willing to allow my many years of experience to guide you into a better place. That’s all we’re talking about here: by your acceptance of my assistance, a mere guide on the path of life, you’ll get to your destination a bit quicker and easier than going the long way.
It’s like any teacher. I mean sure you could figure out geometry from scratch, but why bother when there are people perfectly willing and able to take your hand and guide you along. So what’ll it be?